Because Jamaican Me Crazy
by Chasyn
Summary: It started as harmless flirting. Well actually, it started out as a game to Kirk to get a rise out of Spock by using the worst pick-up lines ever. But if you say something enough times, does it become true? Warnings: Language and gayness. And badness. And junk. Really, this is just to make me laugh.
1. Boy, You Must Be Jamaican

**Disclaimer:** We all know. I own nothing. No one on this website does. That's the whole point of the website.  
**Warnings:** Rated T for sexual innuendo, GAYness, Kirk and Spock, and really, really badness.  
**Notes:** This idea sprang into my head a long while ago, while listening to Wanna B Ur Lovr by Weird Al. It just seemed too funny not to eventually do. Chapters will be short and updates will be sparse.  
**Setting:** Probably after Kahn, during the 5 year exploration.

**-X-X-X-**

**Because Jamaican Me Crazy  
1: Boy, You Must Be Jamaican**

"Captain… are you ill?"

Jim didn't glance up from his PADD as he heard the Vulcan's voice. He was sitting silently, hunched over a table in the library. The hour was approaching late and he was the only occupant. He scrolled through the lines of text on his PADD, scanning the words. "Healthy as a horse." He answered evenly, still not moving to acknowledge his intruder.

Spock furrowed his brows and tilted his head slightly. "That is a cliché I don't understand. Horses are prone to a number of diseases and ailments caused by the simplest things."

He let out a sigh as he leaned back in his chair. "Spock… I'm in the middle of something. What do you need?"

Spock linked his hands behind his back and stood. "Nothing, Captain." He said evenly.

"Good." Jim continued scrolling and scanning. He was so engrossed in his studies that Spock's presence slipped him mind.

Nearly ten minutes passed in which Spock didn't move. "Captain…" He ventured softly, certain now that something was amiss. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes." Jim answered absently.

If Spock allowed himself to feel frustration, he would be feeling it. "What exactly are you doing?"

"Reading." He wasn't giving anything away.

"That much I ascertained." Spock stepped closer towards the Captain. He was worried that something was wrong, but it didn't show. "But what and why? It is a… very rare occurrence for you. I don't recall ever seeing you so intently studying something in your spare time."

"Maybe I just feel like it." Jim slammed his fist down on the table and rose to his feet. "If there is nothing else." He stepped around Spock and headed for the door.

"Captain…" Spock seemed to hesitate a moment. It was a very human moment for him. Now his worry was visible, as he turned to watch the Captain leave. He couldn't read him. But something was wrong! He pushed the doubt away and followed after the Captain. "I've upset you." He said certainly as he caught up.

Jim stopped and turned slowly. He sent the Vulcan a smile and laughed. "Sometimes you are very infuriating, my friend." He shook his head slowly and started down the hall. "But no. You haven't upset me. Forgive me. I'm just tired."

Spock matched his pace. "Acceptable."

Jim glanced sideways at the Vulcan, smiling. He laughed again and shook his head. He continued down the hall towards his quarters and said nothing more.

"Captain." Spock was content that he hadn't upset the Captain. But he wasn't convinced that something wasn't wrong. "Can I ask what you are reading?"

Now Jim was the one to hesitate. He pace slowed until he stopped. "I don't want to tell you."

Spock stopped and turned, moving to stand in front of him. "If I've done anything to provoke mistrust…"

"No." Jim said quickly, shaking his head. He turned towards Spock's stoic gaze and sighed. "Fine." He relented, shaking his head. "It's a bit… embarrassing." He said softly, stepping closer to Spock.

Spock nodded his head. "I would not breathe a word unless it directly breaks Starfleet Law."

It was such a Spock response. Jim smiled again and nodded. "I was joking around with Lieutenant Uhura earlier. I asked her why she chose you over me."

"You wish to engage with her." Spock stated evenly, like it was the most oblivious and logical fact.

Jim was taken aback. "What? Hell no, Spock." He shook his head emphatically.

"It is logical." Spock replied in a shrugged manner. "You met her first and as we are no longer engaged, she is free."

Jim threw up his arms and pushed past him. "You just broke up a month ago!"

Spock spun around and followed. "Is that not a sufficient time?"

"No." Jim snapped loudly. Just… no." He shook his head.

Spock furrowed his brows. "Why?"

"We're friends." Jim rolled his eyes. "Friends don't date ex-girlfriends."

"There is no longer an emotional attachment. I do not understand your reluctance."

Jim stopped again and snorted. "Just say it's a human thing. No dating friend's girlfriends… past or present."

"As you say." Spock said with a nod. "You can continue."

"Just stop thinking for a moment and listen or I'll change my mind about telling you."

"Captain… I can hardly stop…" Jim started to turn but Spock stopped him. "I'll listen." He really was curious.

Jim shook his head again. "She said she found you… charming."

Spock cocked an eyebrow but said nothing, as he promised.

"You're completely annoying and infuriating and a lot of other choice words. Charming's not one I'd use." He gace the Vulcan a smile. "And she found me… she said I tried too hard. My pick-up lines were outdated."

"Pick-up lines?"

Jim paused and glanced at Spock. "Uh… a line… something you say to someone you're attracted to. You know… to sort of break the ice, I guess." He shrugged. He wasn't sure exactly how to explain it. "A conversation starter."

Spock tilted his head to the side. "Like hello?"

Jim shook his head. "No, not that direct. More of… beating around the bush. Sometimes even something generic, that could be used to try and flatter more than one person."

Spock nodded his head slightly. He didn't understand, but he wasn't sure he would ever. "Your research fervor?"

"Interesting, actually." Jim said with a nod and continued down the hall. "There are some really bad pick-up lines out there."

"And you used one of these… pick-up lines on Lieutenant Uhura when you first met?"

Jim shrugged. "I was pretty drunk. I only remember like 30% of that night. Who knows what I said to her. But I was greatly unsuccessful."

Spock slowed. "I still don't understand the purpose. What use is a pick-up line? They are lies, are they not?"

Jim rubbed at the back of his neck, thinking. He had to admit, the concept was weird. The more he thought about it... "It doesn't always have to be a lie. But usually it's stupid or corny."

Spock shook his head. "I'm afraid it is something I will never understand."

Jim rolled his eyes. "Example. This'll apply to you." He said as he pulled up just outside the door to his quarters.

Spock nodded and waited.

Jim smiled. He couldn't help but wonder what his Vulcan friend's response to such a line would be. The moment he read it, he had wanted to inquire. "Boy, you must be Jamaican. Because Jamaican me crazy." Jim could even begin to suppress the smile on his face.

Spock's only immediate reaction was to raise his eyebrows. He was silent a moment, contemplating. He didn't understand it. But clearly something about it sparked great pleasure in the Captain. It was something he needed to understand better. "This is a pick-up line?"

Jim let out a laugh and nodded. "A really bad one."

"What does it mean?"

"It's a play on words." Jim said slowly. "Jamaican? Me crazy?" He pursed his lips, thinking how to explain it. "Jamaican me crazy… it's like… an extremely crude form of saying… you're making me crazy. You're, you, ya making me crazy. So… you must be Jamaican, because ja-making-me-crazy. And love tends to make people crazy."

Spock frowned. "I see…" He said slowly.

Jim raised his eyebrows. "Do you really?"

"Yes, I believe so." The Vulcan nodded slowly. "Though I still find the custom unnecessary."

"I know." Jim laughed. "Now that I've alleviated your curiosity, I'm tired. I'll see you in the morning."

"A moment more." Spock had a thought. "This line… applies to me? Though I am Vulcan and not from the small colony of Jamaica of Earth?"

Jim nodded. "You drive me crazy most of the time."

Spock tilted his head to the side. "Captain… are you flirting with me?"

Jim smiled and clapped him on the back. "Good night Spock." He slipped inside his room and shut the door behind him.

"Fascinating."

**-X-X-X-**

**Notes:** This made me laugh the entire time I wrote it. And then when I edited it, I couldn't breathe. Hope someone else finds it just as assuming.


	2. Do You Mind if I Check You Out

**ZOMG! **Seriously didn't expect such a response from this silly thing. Is awesome. There is now a basic secondary plotline (the main plotline is the pick-up line thing). So yay! Have another pick-up line!

**-X-X-X-**

**Because Jamaican Me Crazy  
2: Do You Mind if I Check You Out?**

Vulcan's required less sleep. It was one of the many reasons they differed from the humans of Earth. Sometimes Spock would go days without sleeping before it began to affect him. A simple meditation could refresh him as easily as a night's rest.

After his unusual and fascinating encounter with the Captain, Spock had retired to his own quarters to do some research of his own. While he still didn't see the validity of the practical application of pick-up lines, he thought he had a better understanding of them. Humans could be very shy, untrustworthy creatures. If small lies or tricks were the only way they could attract a mate, so be it. The very survival of the species could very well depend on these pick-up lines.

What had troubled the Vulcan most and kept him awake was the Captain's admission of using suck tactics himself. Spock was at a loss as to why. The Captain was a very confident man. Spock had seen that fact. From the moment he had set foot on the Enterprise, Jim Kirk had strutted around like he owned it. Even during Spock's brief Captaincy, Jim had dared to risk his job and his life to challenge him. Jim was overly confident, arrogant, smart, kind, challenging, frustrating, fascinating, and handsome. Why did he feel the need to resort to such foolishness?

Spock would inquire as soon as the Captain was awake and in the proper mood. He was determined to, in the human vernacular, get to the bottom of this.

He finished his meditation and rose. He did indeed feel rested and relaxed. But it was still much too early for the Captain. Spock would wait.

On his way to the bridge, he passed a few members of the night crew in the halls. He acknowledged them with a nod. He knew them by name but most not more than that. It was something he would regret if he felt regret. But logically, he knew there simply wasn't adequate time to familiarize himself with the near 500 crew members they had at any given time.

He slipped into the bridge silently, nodding as he passed the flight crew. He found his station empty and quickly remedied that. For the next few hours, he diverted all his attention to his terminal, checking data and calculations.

Sulu entered the bridge and relieved his station. Chekov soon did the same. Both said brief hellos to the First Officer. Uhura was the next to join them. Still no sign of the Captain, Spock noted as he looked around. He rose from his seat but was stopped as his communicator beeped. He frowned slightly at the thing as he pulled it out. Rarely was the thing used when he wasn't off-planet. "Spock here."

"Spock." The Captain's voice spoke through the tiny device.

"Captain." The man did have the perfect timing.

"Please meet me in the info deck as soon as possible."

Spock was silent for a moment. "Captain?"

"Do I need to repeat myself?"

"Oh my way."

**-X-X-X-**

Jim leaned back in his chair, a smile on his face. He was rather pleased with himself. The look on Spock's face last night, or lack-there-of. He could just imagine the Vulcan spending his night contemplating. Yes, Jim was pleased with himself. And a game was formed in his mind. He wanted to elicit an emotional response out of the Vulcan. Knock him off his feet, so to speak. Or just completely confuse him. That would work just as well.

The door slid open and Spock quietly made his way towards Jim. He stopped and stood with his hands behind his back. His expression gave nothing away as to what he was thinking.

"Ah, Spock." He smiled. "Thank you for joining me… in the Library." Jim said, rising and waving his arms around the small, empty room.

Spock eyed him but said nothing.

Jim was practically beaming as he slid closer to Spock. He circled the Vulcan, looking him up and down.

Spock turned his head slightly, his eyes following the Captain as he moved.

Jim pulled up in front of him. He crossed his arms and leaned back slightly, smirking. "I don't have a library card, but do you mind if I check you out?" He asked smoothly.

Spock piqued his eyebrows. "Checking out is a human colloquialism. To check-out someone meaning to look them up and down, judging based on appearance."

Jim's arms dropped and he straightened up. "Uh…"

"Library card…" Spock continued in his lecture voice. "A primitive concept where one would use a plastic card to gain knowledge by borrowing a book from a library. A library being a place of study, filled with paper volumes. An archaic and time-consuming form of expanding one's mind."

Jim stared blankly at him. But he slowly began to nod. "Yeah."

"You're equating attraction to a possible mate to that of borrowing a book to obtain knowledge. Quite clever. Knowledge is a trait highly sought after."

Jim rolled his eyes and slapped him on the back. "A game, Spock. This is a game. You're spoiling it!"

Spock frowned. "I am?"

Jim walked past him towards the door. "You're thinking too much."

"Fascinating."

Jim laughed and shook his head. "Come on. We're needed on the bridge."

"I was already on the bridge when you interrupted me."

"Just come on."

**-X-X-X-**

**Notes:** Again… it makes me laugh. I hope it makes you laugh with it's stupidness.


	3. You're Da Bomb

**Shorty McShort Short Chapter. **Short in-between chapter to bridge the gap between the beginning of the game and the start of the plot twist. Is that giving away too much information? I DON'T THINK SO! THIS NOTE MAY BE LONGER THAN THE CHAPTER! ENJOY SHORTNESS!

**-X-X-X-**

**Because Jamaican Me Crazy  
3: You're Da Bomb**

"This again, Captain?" Spock clasped his hands behind his back as the Captain blocked his path.

Jim frowned and stepped back. Spock's tone was emotionless and his face was unreadable. He couldn't tell if the Vulcan was upset or not. But he sure was. "I didn't even say it!" He whined. "How'd you know?"

"You are giddy and you've cornered me in an empty hallway." Spock replied, glancing around.

Jim glared at him. "You spoil everything, you know that?" He snapped and marched down the hall.

Spock hurried to catch up with him. He moved closer as they moved into a crowed hall. "You are angry with me." He said in hushed tones.

"Frankly… yes." Jim said, stopping and turning on him. He grabbed Spock's arm and pulled him aside, far enough from the nearest crew member that they wouldn't be heard. "I am thoroughly enjoying my research for our little game."

"Research…" Spock repeated slowly. That was a concept Spock could understand, even if he didn't understand the custom involved. "I find I can't interfere with your research endeavor."

"Right!" Jim exclaimed, throwing up his hands. "Wait… what?" He looked at the Vulcan with confusion.

"Vulcans value knowledge." Spock said evenly. "It is logical that we continue. Go ahead. Play your game."

Jim leaned back slightly, studying him. Inside, he was as giddy as Spock said he was earlier. But he didn't show it. Instead, he crossed his arms and glared. "No." He snapped.

Spock dipped his head and stepped closer. "Captain, please."

He smiled suddenly. "Are you begging me, Mr. Spock?"

Spock cocked his eyebrows and tilted his head. "I'm only asking that you continue with your game so we can get to our meeting with Uthura. She does not like tardiness. Her time, as well as ours, is valuable."

"Are you that afraid of your ex-girlfriend?"

"Apparently so."

Jim smiled. He waited until a gaggle of crew members passed, nodding at them as they did. "How'd you get through security, because baby, you're da bomb?"

Spock simply nodded and started down the hall. "There. Do you feel better now?"

"Yes." He beamed. "Yes I do. Care to pick it apart?"

Spock mulled over it for a moment and shook his head. "No. It's rather simple."

"Good." Jim said, straightening up and putting on his serious face. "We have a meeting to get to. We don't want to be late. Lieutenant Uthura doesn't like her time wasted."

**-X-X-X-**

Over the next week, Spock had learned more about the human custom of pick-up lines. Besides flattery and lies, boasting about oneself was another type.

"_I'm in the dictionary under kablaam!"_

"_Am I a steamin' hunk of love now or what?"_

There were so many! Each day Jim had another one for him, all equally bad and fascinating. He began to look forward to seeing the Captain, much more so than usual. Every time they crossed paths, Spock would wonder if a line was coming and what it would be. It was very un-Vulcan of him. But it was what is was and he enjoyed the Captain's game.

But something was beginning to trouble Spock about the game…

**-X-X-X-**

**Notes:** Next chapter will be better chapter. In fact, may be best chapter. Yep. Most favorite. As always… made me laugh and hope it makes you laugh.


	4. Water in my Toilet

**Another chapter! **I think you will enjoy it. You will see why.

**-X-X-X-**

**Because Jamaican Me Crazy  
4: Water in my Toilet**

Something about the Captain's game was beginning to bother Spock. Something he planned to elevate today, as soon as possible. He had stopped by the info deck to check on something. He had to make sure he had it right. When he was finished, he left and headed to the bridge.

His pace was a bit more leisurely than normal. If he admitted to feeling nervous, he would say he was feeling nervous. But nervousness was a foolish human trait. It was an unsettling phenomenon, to say the least. His thoughts were elsewhere when he was practically run over by a flash of red. "Officer Scott?" He turned.

"Canne stop." The man huffed as he turned the corner.

"Mr. Scott!" Spock called as he hurried to catch up. Something appeared to be the matter.

Scotty slowed a second and glanced back. "Sorry, Mr. Spock. I didin see ye. Need ta get ta Sickbay."

Spock caught up with him quickly, noticing now the awkward way the man was holding his arm to his chest. "What happened?"

"Aye, just a scratch." He said, shaking his head. "Well… just a burn." He winced.

"Scotty!" Doctor McCoy rounded the corner and the three men all stopped. "I told you to stay put! You could have done more damage."

"It hurts." The man mumbled.

The Doctor's eyes widened as he saw Scotty's arm. Or what was left of it. "Good God man! What happened?"

Scotty winced again as McCoy moved closer. "The influx valve in the rotating chamber of phaser five exploded when I was trying to repair the docking accelerator..."

McCoy's eyes narrowed. "Damnit man! I'm a doctor, not a phaser engineer!"

Scotty rolled his eyes. "It went boom, I went ouch."

McCoy scoffed and pulled out his hypo. "Hold still." He shot the Engineering Officer in the neck and the man went limp. "If you'll help me Spock. We need to get his arm under the regeneration ray before anymore damage is done."

Spock easily hefted the man up, mindful of the injured limb.

"Ssssock…" The drugged man slurred. "Sell Cap'in taheedta ness sterbass ferfraser apair."

McCoy stared at the unconscious man. "What?"

"Doctor, I believe he asked me to tell the Captain to head to the nearest Star Base for phaser repair."

"If you say so." McCoy shook his head. "Come on. We need to hurry."

**-X-X-X-**

"Captain…" The door opened and Spock stepped onto the bridge. "Can I speak with you in private?" He slid over to the Captain's chair and peered down at him.

Jim nodded and rose from his chair. "Sulu, you have the comm." He followed Spock into the lift and waited for the door to close. "How private?" Jim asked evenly, turning towards the Vulcan. "Is it serious? Should we retreat to my quarters?"

Spock shook his head. "That is unnecessary. This will suffice."

Jim glanced around the tiny elevator. "The lift?"

Spock straightened up. "I didn't want to chance anyone else overhearing my words or seeing the outburst they are sure to provoke from you."

Jim was now as confused as he was intrigued. "Okay. What would those words be?"

"There seems to have been a malfunction with phaser five." Spock said. "When Engineering Officer Scott tried to effect repairs, it exploded and he was injured. I helped Dr. McCoy get him to Sickbay." His tone evoked no emotion.

Jim's eyes widened in concern. "Is Scotty okay?" He pulled out his communicator.

Spock nodded. "Dr. McCoy assured me he will be fine in 48 hours."

"Kirk to Sickbay." Jim said into the tiny box. "Bones!"

"Captain, he'll have to get back to you." Carol said over the line.

"I'll be right there."

"You'll only get in the way, Jim!" McCoy shouted.

Jim glared at the box. "Well... I will check in on him later. Keep me updated." He turned back to Spock.

The Vulcan cleared his throat. "Before he was rendered unconscious, Officer Scott asked me to tell you to set a course for the nearest Star Base for repair."

Jim nodded again. "We don't want to be caught in the middle of nowhere with a broken gun." He mused. "Wait… what about that would cause an outburst?"

Spock looked at him blankly. "I was relaying the Engineering Officer's message to you. I haven't said what I had originally came to tell you when I was interrupted."

Jim rolled his eyes. "Spock! Spit it out then! We need to change course."

"If you'd rather, let's head back to the bridge." Spock reached for the control panel.

"No, that's not what I meant." He said, stopping him. "Just get on with it. What's so important?"

Spock was silent for a moment. Hesitation flashed across his eyes. But just as quick as it appeared, it was gone. "I will not repeat myself and would appreciate it not being spoken again."

"Seriously! Spill it Spock!" He leaned back against the wall of the lift. "You're starting to freak me out."

Spock averted his gaze and clasped his hands behind his back. "Your eyes are even bluer than the water in my toilet."

It took a second for his words to sink in for the Captain. "Spock… did you just…"

The Vulcan turned his gaze back to the Captain. He raised an eyebrow but said nothing.

Jim's entire face lit up and he pushed away from the wall. "You read by notes."

"That is correct." Spock said with a curt nod. "It was… one you hadn't used yet."

Jim mimicked Spock's stoic stance. "You don't possess the specific attribute." He said in a very Spock-like tone.

Spock heard the jab but let it pass. "You do."

"Yes." Jim nodded. "Yes I do." He batted said blue eyes.

For a split second, Spock smiled. But then it was gone.

"Too late." Jim said loudly, clapping his hands together. "I saw it. You smiled."

"Illogical." Spock said, shaking his head.

"You're enjoying this."

"I don't see your reasoning."

"No." Jim smiled. "I don't suppose you do."

"Captain…"

"Jim."

"Captain. Our exchange in your game…"

"Our game." Jim corrected.

"Our exchange in your game is complete. Do you have something further to discuss? We should return to the bridge now. The phaser dock needs repairing."

Jim continued to smile at him. But he nodded and opened the door. "Sulu! Chekov. Plot a course for the nearest Star Base. Warp factor 4. Engineering needs a part to repair the phaser malfunction."

**-X-X-X-**

**Notes:** This was the first chapter I actually wrote. (I tend to write out of order. It sometimes confuses me.) It made me laugh the most. Hope it does it for you as well.

Oh. And just because I posted a chapter a day for 3 days does NOT mean there will be daily updates. Because of how the work week falls for last and this week, I ended up with 2 days off, a short shift, and another day off. So had 3 days off in 4 days. I'll not have another day off in a full week.


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